Son Up 'Til Son Down

Next week will mark three months since the day we brought our boys home. Truthfully, I only faintly remember what life was like before little boy feet stomped back and forth in the upstairs hallway and sucking up Legos in the vacuum was a daily occurrence. 


Stepping back, it is clear that great strides have been made these three months. We are truly a family of five, and I think that the boys trust that this is their final destination. As I look at these pictures taken this weekend, even their smiles are different....they look REAL. (In addition, Ethan got a mohawk and Andru let mommy cut his hair because we simply could NOT find the time for the barber. Brave boy.)

One thing I still struggle with is how to explain all of this...especially to those closest to us. We brought these boys into our home to have a normal life. I wanted them to be normal children, and I suppose that, deep down, I even shared some of the ideas that people had about how they would approach us. People seem to think that foster children will be grateful to be in a warm, stable home. That somehow, they will believe that they finally won the familial lottery. But here's the truth---my children are not normal. They are not like yours---they are angry and sad and have seen more things in their short lives than you can possibly imagine. And in the midst of proving to them that this new life is permanent, we must also prove to them that we mean business. We have to show them right and wrong, and we have to do that in a black and white, no nonsense way. No one has done that for them, and they have had their whole lives to learn it the wrong way!!


There are three things that our life now revolves around: Love, Routine and Discipline. Perhaps the most important of these is routine. Our boys have never had one. And when I say never, I mean NEVER. Imagine never having a bedtime or a mealtime you could count on, much less a place to live and food to eat. Life without routine sends my boys into PANIC, and the slightest adjustment to that routine results in chaos. Ethan is especially tied to a schedule. Every morning he wakes up, he needs an exact rundown of the schedule. Every night before bed, we go over what we need to do and where we need to go the next day. It is imperative that he knows and understands, because if he can't see it coming, it scares him to death. When he is late going to bed, he becomes agitated and upset. "It's too late, Mommy. I should already be in bed, Mommy. I will be too tired tomorrow, Mommy." And he's right. Half hour late to bed, and he is unable to function normally for at least two days after. With Andru, you had better mean every word you say. If you tell him you need to leave in fifteen minutes, it had better not be sixteen. He checks and double-checks the schedule for the day---locations, times and activities. If you have a "we'll see" moment, he will keep asking you until you make a decision just so he will stop asking!!


I know that some people think we are being too strict. And I get it---from the outside, that's what it looks like. But from within, we are building a life for two little people who have never really had one. I compare it to what I was once told in a beginner's education class---start strict. you can always back down later, but you can never build respect and discipline when you haven't demanded it from the beginning. These first months will be the hardest. We will have hard moments down the road, but I suspect they will be slightly more "normal". Until then, I will keep a close watch on the calendar, the clock, and try to keep one step ahead of my watchful little men.