'Tis the Season...

Thus ends the most miraculous, wondrous, exhausting and emotional holiday season of my life. Our boys have been home for seven days, and in the course of that week, we have tried to instill a lifetime of values and guidelines.


I am sure to two little boys, it seems that we are a loop-recording of "No". No running into furniture. No punching, hitting or kicking your brother. No yelling. No talking back. No fibbing. No, you are not the boss. No, we are never going to give you up. That one will take the longest to sink in. 


In the course of our foster classes, and (let's face it), common sense, we were prepared for a lot of behaviors and emotions that would be considered "normal" for kids who have been through the amount of turmoil and upheaval that ours have. We were prepared for a lack of basic coping skills, for the inevitability of distrust, for lots of transitional neediness. We have encountered all of this, and it is all manageable and fixable...eventually. One thing I was not prepared for was the level of materialism inherent in our children. This, of course, was magnified exponentially by the timing of their arrival.  It seems we have talked about this everyday, ten times a day since they arrived in the house--what it means to be truly grateful, what the Christmas season is really about, and what we can do to show our gratitude to those we love, and who love us. 


One thing that we have tried so hard to instill in Gabbi is JOY. Be joyful for what you have been given, for the gift of your life and the simple joy hat is to be found in each day. I wanted this Christmas morning to be perfect---filled with that joy that comes with simplicity and happiness. That is not what Christmas morning looked like. The boys were sorely disappointed with their gifts from us, and from Santa. They tossed them aside like the wrapping paper they had also discarded. Brian and I were crushed---hours of picking out the perfect gifts now seemed like money and time wasted. What had gone wrong? When we put aside our disappointment, it seemed perfectly clear. All their lives, our sons had been given things to pacify them--they were showered with gifts from nameless donors and rewarded by things, not actions. 


"Stuff" doesn't mean a darn thing to them---but people do. Hugs still abound, "I love yous" are becoming easy, and joy is not a lesson you can learn in seven days. For now, our closet is full of gifts given by the amazing people who love and support us and new additions. We will bring them out slowly, once hard lessons have been learned and we have all come to terms with our new lives and our new rules...or roles. 


What I do know is this---no matter how frustrated I get, or how tired I am, I love them fiercely. They are mine to protect, to teach and to mold. Forever. And that's a really long time.

Hugs, Kisses and Time-Outs

Well, its our first day in our home as a family of five. Kiss count...32. Time Outs...5 (3 for Andru, 2 for Ethan) As long as the ratio is in that favor, I will gladly count it as a good day. 

We have our Christmas miracle. Our boys are home, and we are all under one roof for the time being. They love the house, and they think they love the snow, although they have lasted a whopping total of six minutes playing in it. Gabbi is in heaven--she now has built-in playmates and co-conspiritors. There were amazing moments today--and some really tough ones. The boys love each other. They love the same toys, the same movies and the the same clothes. This makes them both incredibly easy to please and very difficult to mediate. There were fights over Legos, fights over the bathroom, fights over who had said what and when. Andru likes to blame and reprimand his brother--he has been the boss for so long, it is going to be a long road to letting that role go. Ethan wants to follow the example of his big brother, but both of them want to be a part of this family. There is no doubt of that, and that is what will save all of us in this process. 

There is one moment that saved today. Gabbi was changing into one of five dress-up outfits that she wore all day (she settled most frequently on the bumblebee costume) and Andru went to her room to ask if she wanted to play. For the next hour, my three children played in Gabbi's room by her kitchen. They played their parts and dutifully sat at Gabbi's tiny chairs and ate invisible food off of pink plates with peeling princess stickers. I sat at the bottom of the stairs and smiled. My children like each other. Its a big deal.

There are lots of moments I could talk about that shed light on the more difficult aspects of this---rolled eyes and little lies---but its not worth it. I know that these moments will pass, and , as a very wise friend reminded me, everyone has those moments, even with children they have raised since birth. We will get past this. We will be a happy, connected family. Come to think of it, we already are.

Stay tuned...

To my Andru, on his 9th Birthday

To my sweet, funny little charmer...


You are nine today...halfway to eighteen as you proudly announced to me last night. I couldn't be with you, and that is heartbreaking. I wanted to make you a cake, watch you make a wish. But heres the thing--I think yours might be the same as mine.


Andru has been incredible throughout this whole process. He is so ready for the next chapter in his life--in our lives. He told me he is ready to be a Testa...he checks and double-checks: "I'm a Testa, too, Mommy, right?" "We'll all be Testas, right, Mommy?" Yesterday, he decided he needed a new middle name, too. He choose (drumroll, please...) DJ. We don't know where it came from, but he insists it sounds "cool". It does, too. Silly little man.


He is the bravest little boy I know. He is a forty year old man trapped in a little boy's body---always given more than he can handle, and yet handle it he has. He is...a superhero. He is also one of the funniest people I have ever met. He has this grin...he thinks it will get him out of trouble. I fear that sometimes, it will. We got him phone for his birthday. I had the perfect plan---I set it to ring "Happy Birthday" and had his foster mom set it next to his bed so I could be his alarm this morning for school. I ordered pizza for his class for lunch, and the assistant principal delivered a note for me. By ten a.m., his phone had been taken away for a week because he brought it to school. (*sigh*) Hopefully, he will be able to use it for more than a day at a time by his tenth birthday. He was slightly embarrassed that his Mommy had sent lunch in, but his love of pizza won that battle. (Go, Mommy!)


Andru, you are an incredible, strong, vivacious little man, and I have been proud to be your Mommy since the moment that I met you. I love your little dances, and the look on your face when you want something you know you shouldn't be allowed to have. I love how badly you want to be a part of our family, how you say "I love you" when I least expect it, and how your hugs often leave me breathless as you rush past. You are nothing short of amazing...and I love you, Andru DJ Testa.

A Christmas Wish

The stockings are hung by the chimney with care. Our Elf on a Shelf, Thomas, has been floating around the whole week. One bare spot remains in our house, a gaping empty corner where the Christmas tree should be. 


We promised our boys that we would wait for them to decorate the tree. Now, as the days pass too slowly, we still do not have a date for their arrival. The Christmas spirit seems to be on hold for us. I have not yet sent Christmas cards, I do not know what they should say. "Hooray! They're Here!!" or "A Happy New Year from our New Family". I hate the feeling that our lives are on hold, and I clean when I am upset or nervous. My entire house has been scoured and scrubbed. Endless bags of trash have been hauled out of things we are never going to use and should not have kept this long.


I think that Ethan is a bit relieved that the date was moved back. It has given him more time to prepare for the change. I worry about Andru. He will be 9 next week, and it crushing to both of us to think that he will not be with us to celebrate. He has been acting up in school, and when he is able to talk to me, he just questions over and over why he is not here. "Mommy, I would be there except for the papers, right? You signed it, though, right?" His questions are heartbreaking; its as if he is asking if we still want him. If he only knew how badly. 


Gabbi does not understand the delay. In anticipation of Santa's arrival, people keep asking her, "Who's coming soon?" Her answer usually surprises them: "Big brothers!!!" She is so ready...we all are.


As of last night, both contracts have arrived at our agency in Buffalo. With what seems like hundreds of signatures and reviews ahead, I do not know how long we still have to wait. But wait we will, with only one Christmas wish to offer. I want my family gathered around our glittering tree on Christmas Eve. That's all I want for Christmas. Here's to the hope that fills this wondrous season....