The Other Stuff

I fear that I may not yet have the hang of this whole blogger thing. The gaps grow longer between posts because sometimes, I must subscribe the the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, than don't say anything at all." If that doesn't tell you how recent weeks have gone...


I will, to save myself, start with the good stuff. Ethan continues to improve everyday, despite some low test scores on his "nonsense words"---and if you're going to call them that, they don't mean much anyway, if you ask me. He is happy and sweet and adores his little sister. He also gives excellent, break-your-ribs-becasue -I love-you, bear hugs.  His latest feat is something I would like to call "exercising his eyebrows", which consists of making as many funny faces as possible in the mirror, at the dinner table, or anywhere where I am attempting to be serious. Hilarious.


My sweet Andru, on the other hand, is having a tough time of it. The specifics don't matter, and as I have mentioned before, my little boys don't need their secrets splattered across the Internet. But, in an effort to be wholly honest about this whole process, I suppose the tough stuff must be addressed. The truth is, I am exhausted. I spent the first three weeks telling myself that any mother of three is tired (so suck it up), but the truth is, this isn't the same, not at all. I basically had twins, with a four-day maternity leave, who had already developed habits without my ever having a say in them. My children are not comparable to children people have raised since birth. We have a lot to undo, and a lot to learn, and I, in my infinite impatience, am just going to have to realize that some people will never understand that and that this is all going to take a very long time. 


Andru and Ethan are both ecstatic to have a family that loves and cares for them. The difference is that Andru has spent the lats nine years being "Dad", and he now has very little idea how to be anything but the boss. Turns out, that doesn't fly to well with his new parents, who also would like to be the boss. There have been things said about him at school that make me want to alternately cry and sock the person who said it. Everyone wants their children to be loved by everyone else in the same way that you love them. And when that doesn't happen, it hurts. Physically hurts. I know what kind of kid my boys CAN be---and I want them to act like those kids right now so that they can avoid the hurt of acting any other way. News flash---not going to happen. 


Today...sucked. (eloquent, I know) I was on the phone with a teacher three minutes after I dropped Andru off, and watched my little boy be angry? sad? embarrassed? on a field trip that should have been fun and enlightening.  I pray every night for the courage, the light, the right words, to show him what kind of little boy he can be. I hope that someday soon, one of those things will come to me. For now, I will just be a mom who loves my children so much it hurts. 

Keep Moving Forward...

This week has been one of drastic ups and downs. There have been immense frustrations and great strides. Many of the downs are simply a result of what else? A lack of paperwork and power. I still do not have anything that says my boys are OURS. I have blacked-out copies of birth certificates and a copy of immunization records. Nothing that says I have the power to make doctor's appointments, change or fill prescriptions or do anything that might further ease their transition. These things I will wait for (oh-so-impatiently) and hope that the will smooth out some f the difficulties. So...I will focus on the ups; the things we can and have done something about.


What has become abundantly clear this week is that our boys feel comfortable in our house. They call it home, and they mean it. They do not ask to speak to their former foster parents, and even when I ask if they would like to talk to them, the answer is almost no. We have begun to settle into a routine. The boys make their beds (success!!) and help us set the table. They play with their sister and say their prayers before bedtime. These things are all a BIG DEAL. 


Our biggest success, however, has been Ethan's transformation over the past weeks. When Ethan arrived, and on all our previous meetings, he was painfully shy. He would turn away from you when you spoke to him, cry at the drop of a hat and he only said "I love you" on the off-chance that he heard his brother say it and wanted to mimic him. We have seen a lot of that change at home. He hugs us freely and without his brother as a model. He smiles--and means it. School, however, was a different story. He was painfully quiet, and became inexplicably angry when he was playing or working. So...we ran an experiment. We had never seen this behavior at home, on the weekends, when he did not get his ADD medication. So, after consulting with his teacher, we decided to try him without it at school. What we saw was...a little boy. He is funny and engaged. He makes faces and laughs at silly jokes. We are eternally grateful for a patient teacher who was willing to let Ethan figure out what to do with all of his energy. But he is, unquestionably different. I do not want to say that he will need medication again. But it has done all of us a world of good to see the little boy that he is capable of being. 


so... we shall keep moving forward...

School Daze

Our First Day of School!!

 It has been just over two weeks since we became a family of five. In the past sixteen days, we have experienced a lifetime of lessons about one another. It has not been an easy two weeks. In fact, I am exhausted and overwhelmed. I also think that is normal for welcoming two children who I have not raised from birth into our home. 

While I started this blog to offer a window into our changing lives, there have been some things I am not willing to share about my children. There are issues beyond those we expected, and there has also been immense progress. The fact remains, however, that these two little boys are my children to protect and love. That means that I don't want everyone in the world to know their private struggles. I embarrass them enough by hugging them frequently in the hallways at school. They do not need everyone to know their secrets, too.

I will say this--bringing an older child into your home is exactly like bringing a baby home from the hospital. The only difference is that my children can talk back (even when I may not like what they have to say...) and that they have a lifetime of needs that have already been unfulfilled. They still need to learn how to trust and how to respond appropriately and just who their new Mommy and Daddy are. 

My mantra over these past two weeks has been, "Every day better than the one before." That couldn't be more true---for all of us. Time-outs have become less and less of a necessity. There is a comfort in our home and in their hugs that I did not expect so soon. Two weeks without school, without diversions, and with a lot of snow and cold that my poor sons find abhorrent was trying. BUT...WE MADE IT.

Monday, they started school. I am just down the hallway in the high school, and that seemed to make all of us feel a bit better. Shockingly, Ethan was the more excited student. He is usually reserved and quiet, but babbled all the way to school while his brother sat (also a shock) silently. Andru has been to six schools in his short career as a student. His new school makes seven, and I do not blame him for a second for being terrified. I think I held my breath for an entire day. Blissfully, they both met me with smiles at the end of day one. Even better, they wanted to return for day two. 

What I realized today, at the end of day three, is that my children are genuinely beginning to feel like this is HOME. Their backpacks and snowy jackets are slung over the bench in the hall. Their clothes are put away in the drawers as neatly as two little boys frantic to play can make them. They know our bedtime prayer and ask to take turns saying it. They only asked for one serving at dinner because they knew there was more if they wanted it. Ethan was the line leader in class---and that's a big deal, in case you were wondering. Andru got a hundred on his multiplication test and realized that maybe some good does come out of studying. 

All in all, we are slowly becoming a part of each other. Someday they will know all the rules, even if they still might not follow them. In the meantime, we will take one day at a time and remember that we all have a family who loves us, even on our worst day. pretty cool.